My Strategy

In this blog entry I aim to describe my strategy for living in this phase of my life.

Early April, Katharine wrote this to me in an email:

I must say I was so touched by your visit here.  We really admire your courage and your continued zest for life even in the face of your health situation.  One of the things that really sticks in my mind is how much I enjoyed our trip to NZ and this was because you were so engaged in exploring, discovering, marvelling, seeing and experiencing all that this trip could offer.  The enthusiasm was infectious.  In the face of your current situation I see those same qualities, albeit in a very different context.  You really engage with what is happening to you rather than try and shut it away…..  You do live life to the full and have a rich experience to draw on.

Katharine has hit the nail on the head with how I have come to my strategy for living through this phase of my life.

Coping strategy

I aim to approach each new situation with a ‘blank’ mind.  By this I mean that my mind is together and at peace and there are no negative thoughts.  I am not thinking about ‘what if’ something goes wrong, does not work, they make a mistake, I am allergic to the chemo, etc.  How do I get my mind in this state?  Three ways:

1. Filling my mind with positive thoughts – you have helped me, indeed done this for me.  All your love, prayers/thoughts and care poured into my mind and heart from your emails, letters, phone calls and visits.  As I have mentioned before, I did not expect such a blessing from deciding to go public with my situation.  In addition to my own thinking, the power of your good and kind words has been wonderfully practical in filling my mind with positive thoughts and keeping my mind in a good place.
2. Trusting the medical system – each of the general practitioner, the gastroenterologist and oncologist saw that my need was great and quickly moved me through the medical system.  The services I have received have been outstanding and are provided to all Australian residents or permanent residents when they have serious medical need.  I have decided to trust the system and believe it will deliver its best for me.  I do ask questions, observe and ask for help when I am with doctors or at procedures in the hospitals.
3. Realising I cannot control my situation – my body sometimes is tired, sometimes feels strong – it responds to the things going on it and is at times busy handling the chemo.  While my mind is strong, I cannot simply think that I will make my body do something and expect it to respond.  I am going with the flow and trusting those who are looking after me, both medical people and my family.

Thus, when I went to Concord Hospital for the port-o-cath to be inserted, my mind was in a good place and I believed the operation would go well.  When I started chemotherapy round 1 two weeks ago I believed that I would be well looked after by the staff, that I would be well-briefed and I would be assisted with any problems that arose from the chemo.  I am aiming to approach chemo round 2 this Monday the same way.

Within this coping strategy I look for simple ways to do and arrange things and am aiming to live as normally as I can, that is, to live as much as I can like I did before I began the chemotherapy.

Avoiding failure

Along the way one or two of you have expressed the idea of perfection and encouraged me to see my body as whole without the cancer.  My bottom teeth are very crooked and would take a lot of physical movement to be straight or I could remove them and replace them with false teeth.  My asthma is controlled by medication but is closer to the surface now.  I think these things are real and so is the cancer identified within my body.  I ignore the reality at my peril.  Thus, I could be regarded as having failed because I do not see myself as perfect.

Many of you are praying for healing, some for a complete miracle.  Have your or I failed if I am not healed completely or if my life does not last another five or more years?

Even the advocates within cancer organisations encourage you to ‘fight the cancer’.  The motto for Relay for Cancer in Australia is ‘celebrate, remember, fight back’.  So, if I do not successfully beat the cancer have I failed?

Barbara has borrowed a British book by Deborah Hutton, What can I do to help? that contains 75 practical ideas to assist those with cancer.  It mentions the advocacy of ‘fighting back’ against the cancer and the risk of feeling you have failed if you die from the cancer.

How have I decided to handle these potential failures?  I have decided not to see them in terms of success or failure.  Rather, I see myself as living as best I can through this phase of my life and whether or not the cancer is defeated or goes into remission or not, I will be satisfied by living as best I can.  Different people have different experiences and outcomes with their cancer.  Modern medicine is achieving more outcomes where people are living longer, with better quality of life.

My goals

I have two goals. 

My aspirational goal is to be returned to wellbeing through the chemotherapy and yours and my thoughts and prayers reducing or eliminating the cancer in my lymph nodes and liver and enabling an operation to remove any remaining cancer in the bowel.

My base goal is to have a good quality of life for several more years but whatever the outcome, to live well in the situation in which I find myself; to live well day-by-day, as best I can.